Loud Voices and the Barks of a Dog
A Japanese restaurant owner had written in to express his frustration with loud Americans. He found this tendency toward loudness so annoying that he compared the American female voice with that of a barking dog… ouch!
Naturally, being an American, I was defensive about this point—can’t other nationalities be just as loud at times? But I noticed that when I told friends and colleagues this story it served as a mini Rorschach test into their personalities. Some were thoughtful and introspective about how we as Americans are perceived by others. Are we really that loud and boorish?
Others missed the point completely and were downright nasty about it. While the original remark did indeed sting, I learned to admire those who used it for bettering themselves while I becoming wary of those who seemingly could not take a bit of criticism.
Speaking of dogs, I did not grow up around them and for many years I was guarded when they were around—couldn’t they be entirely unpredictable? Many times, for example, while out running I was chased, nipped at, and even had to jump up on parked cars to escape those canines with a less than pleasant disposition.
In fact, he only rolls out the heavy artillery of barking when absolutely necessary and I admire his restraint. The Japanese restaurant owner would agree that this is the proper comportment for both dog and human.
As I frequently walk my four-legged friend, I am learning that not all dogs show that same regal restraint and composure that my pooch does when it comes to engaging his vocal cords. In fact, many of his fellows in the canine corps are just downright promiscuous about it and these efforts at communication become extraordinarily annoying and make it clear why the Japanese restaurateur compared a grating female voice with that of a barking dog.
Since I am not a “canine behavioralist,” I can only guess at a few of the reasons why a dog might bark—fear, hunger, excitement, etc. Yet in various neighborhoods, I hear dogs, seemingly situated in comfortable yards and homes, that bark incessantly.
Not only am I astounded at how a Rover or Rex or Renny can keep up such a non-stop racket, but more amazing is how the owners tolerate it and allow the neighbors to be bothered with such din. Surely after a half-hour it must dawn on these people that their dog is yipping and yapping non-stop.
One home in my village has two border collies that start an infernal racket should you get within 150 meters. “Ah, but that’s the way collies are” I am told. Well, if this is the case, then why in the blazes are they cooped up in a residential housing district and not over in the Scottish Highlands herding sheep?
All my walking with the pup and reflection on the arfs and woofs of our little friends has led me to believe that a dog only needs 14 barks in his/her repertoire—barks that can, and should, be used sparingly. Like a drummer with his cymbals, a good bark has the best effect when used with purpose and not too much.
The good news for the dog is that all these barks have to do with the letter A. Dogs, as we know, don’t get to enjoy much formal schooling outside of obedience training and often have not mastered the complete alphabet. Thus, it is best to keep things centered on that first letter.
Additionally, with only 14 barks to master, the dog can learn a new one every day. This means that even in the short month of February (28 days most of the time) he will have his quiver of barks fully stocked up and ready to go.
Let’s look at these barks:
• Bark of Anguish – The poor pooch is suffering discomfort. Perhaps you have stepped on his/her paw by accident
• Bark of Announcement – A known guest is entering the house and Fido is announcing the arrival
• Bark of Alert – An unknown person is near the house or danger is close by
• Bark of Accommodation – The dog is happy to go along with whatever you might have planned
• Bark of Approbation – Meant as a sure sign of disapproval. Fido is not at all happy with the decisions being made
• Bark of Ambivalence – Letting you know that the dog is happy one way or another. Just make a decision and get on with it!
• Bark of Action – When the pup springs into immediate motion—perhaps while chasing something
• Bark of Appetite – When our little friend is hungry and is letting you know
• Bark of Alarm – The kitchen sink is overflowing, the stove has caught fire, or something is happening that demands quick attention
• Bark of Attack – All efforts and discussion and reconciliation are at an end and the cudgel of battle must be raised!
• Bark of Assent – An expression of full agreement – good to go!
• Bark of Appreciation – His way of saying thank you
• Bark of Arbitration – The children are fighting and she is having to play the referee
• Bark of Anti-Area/Anti-Access – This is also known in the military as “area denial.” In the old days we would have said that Fido is simply guarding the home. Such a phrase is a bit outdated however, and we expect a bit more sophistication when it comes to modern guard duties. The four-legger must be able to quickly determine who is friend and who is foe and to what areas of the home and yard visitors are entitled to enter. Often a bit of diplomacy is necessary here to determine just how vigorous these borders must be enforced. Should an intruder step over that line, a quick and powerful rap of a bark is the one that should be used.
The happy dog is the one that gives the barking a rest and strives to communicate in other ways. By learning to limit the dog’s barking to these 14 methods of expression, both owner and pet will soon enjoy the beauty of peace and quiet.
Bow wow,
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Fun article – congrats on the new pupper.
And take your upvote for the 14 alliterations, ya filthy animal!
Thanks Nancy. Maybe with time he will venture out into barks that begin with the letter “B!”