Once when the late Christopher Hitchens was asked to comment on the works of Ayn Rand he quipped “Why? Does the world need any more selfishness than it already has?”

No, it really doesn’t does it? I will leave the discussion of Hitchens versus Rand to others as I know that Ms. Rand, born as Alisa Zinovyevna Rosenbaum, seems to be the favorite human of all time for many. As an average gent though, I prefer and respect those who advocate and practice humility, consideration, and civility rather than the primacy of “self” and all that goes with it.

With that in mind however, it pays us to continually sharpen our people skills and to remind ourselves that others will quickly grow tired of our narrative. In fact, I have always been fascinated with the truly prolix. How is it that they never seem to tire of droning on about themselves all the time?

I am definitely not saying that you should be nice to others just so they will be nice to you–no, that is not only downright cynical and manipulative, but it ultimately leads to empty relationships. Instead, being nice and considerate opens up a path to discovering others that is blocked if one is a self-centered bore. Sure the world needs the rough and abrasive from time to time; Steve Jobs and many other captains of industry are reputed to have been that way, but for the average guy and gal, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is the way to go.

As a young person you might have read Dale Carnegie’s 1937 work How to Win Friends & Influence People. It has lots of great tips and its call to be more outward rather than inward centered is a good reason why it is considered the granddaddy of the people skills books.

In perusing this work as a middle aged man, however, I find it to be a bit contrived—as if it is all a game and one is maneuvering, as one would a battleship, to get into position. Position for what? Well…that is what bugs me as I am not sure. To get others to be compliant and deferential? No, not really. To like me? Well maybe. Either way, it somehow has the faint whiff of trying to get the upper hand.

In fact, a quick review of many of these “people skills” books reveals exactly that underlying trait—that one is always maneuvering to master the situation. It is tiring, both to read about and to practice in real life, and I end up asking myself what is wrong with just  wanting to cement good relations by having a good chat and not having to worry about where it will all end up or if there is something to gain from it. Sometimes, after all, it really isn’t just a game and we can enjoy the moment for what it is.

One notices bookstore shelves filled with the works of staggeringly successful speakers/authors/motivators such as Tony Robbins. Not only does he appear brightly giving TED talks, seminars, and all the rest, but he has also written a box full of books on the subject of taking control of your mental and emotional life and finding financial stability. A personal empowerment king is how he has been described. I admit I have never tucked into any of his books as I remember how quick I was to change the channel back when his extraordinarily annoying infomercials were a staple of television broadcasts.

Viewing all this high-octane advice giving as an average person just sitting in the bleachers of life, I wonder what would happen if you invited Dale Carnegie (from the dead mind you), Tony Robbins, and a host of the other self-empowerment authors to a cocktail party.

What I wonder is how all these experts in “working the room” would really end up working the room if they were all in the same place at the same time? Would it be an explosion of finely tuned personality coaches circling around each other like those battleships, propellers furiously frothing the water, to be the person in charge–to be the conversational Alpha male or female? Maybe it would be that conundrum of an irresistible force meeting an immovable object–they all would be trying so hard! With so much energy expended on “being on,” mixing and melding, and winning over the other person perhaps it would all explode like a nuclear weapon and set the atmosphere on fire.

For the rest of us, the average, I think we already know the answer. Be interested in others because they really can be interesting and not for what they can do for you. I don’t want to be completely unfair to those self-improvement gurus, but as the average we can only climb so high in life anyway so trying to use others for gain is, and always will be, a fool’s errand. Why do we need to shell out good money to learn what our parents already told us years ago? Humility, consideration, civility, and a genuine curiosity about others keeps us from having to play any games at all!

In the meantime, stay average!